Created For Care Retreat

Well, I can say that I am still in a somewhat "reflective" state from everything I heard this past weekend at Created For Care in Atlanta. I am trying to figure out how I will possibly begin to articulate and implement all the information I gained and much like many things, decifer what information is something that our family needs specifically. There are so many things that we read and learn in the waiting process, I found this retreat to be a great way to refresh myself on the important things that I have a responsiblity as an adoptive mom to keep at the forefront of my mind.

I will say that if you are an adoptive mom, or you think you may want to be an adoptive mom sometime in the future, this retreat is the place for you. No, it will not be, "sunshine and rainbows and happy adoption fairytales" as we sometimes find ourselves caught up in, but it will be real, raw, and empowering. I suggest going with friends also, as I found this to be the best way to process some of the information I heard. No one quite "gets it" like another adoptive parent, that's for sure.

I will say that the information I gained changed me, it changed some of the ways that I think about things. One of the most powerful things I heard is still something that is still hard on my heart several days later.

For many many years now I have believed it was "God's plan" for Eli to be with us. After hearing what I heard this weekend, I am beginning to understand now that it really was not "God's plan" for his birth mother to make that decision. What happened with her of course has never been my story to tell you, but I do know for certain that it is not his plan to have sin and brokeness seperate a biological mother and child. I didn't realize that until this weekend, and it is painful when I look into my beautiful sons eyes to think that it was not supposed to be this way. But this is not about me and my feelings.

I will say that I do believe that God found the last tiny bit of beauty in that horrible situation when he placed Eli with us, but to say that it is His plan all along, has been very very wrong. God wanted him to be with his birth mother, and it broke His heart that it didn't end up that way.

The other main thing that cannot escape my mind is that I truly felt for the first time, that I am a mother to another child, of course another child that I have not yet met. Up until this weekend, this idea of another baby has not really felt "real" yet. For some reason I knew I was at this retreat to learn things that I believe will be more important for me to know with our next child. The reason I say this is that based on Eli's personality and attachment thus far, I will be surprised if he struggles very deeply with his adoption history and the circumstances surrounding it (I could be wrong though, that's for sure). For some reason, I just feel in my heart that our next child will struggle differently than Eli will. I felt like I needed what I was hearing moreso for her. Call it what you will, maybe it was God's voice, or maybe just my own paranoid fears of the unknown, but I do know that for the first time I thought deeply about the now faceless little girl that will need me to be ready for her story, so that I can "love her big" for the rest of her life.

Until next time...